V for Velma

August 24th, 2005

V for Velma

Yesterday, it occurred to me that I hadn't mentioned Korea or Japan to Velma. Partly it was because I wasn't sure how serious I was about the whole thing. Secondly, it was because a mutual friend of ours is in Japan right now (Ellie). One that is supposedly a lesbian (she hasn't admitted to this, but everyone "says" it's true-could be, but I'd hate to spread vicious rumors).

On a sidenote, I would probably prefer Japan, especially after all the advice I've received. However, the Korean people are very anxious to have me, and the pay rate & benefits are much better (I wouldn't get dental if I went to Japan).

So anyway, this Japan/Korea thing was looking up, so I told Velma. Since the wedding is all set for Spring, 2007, she got hysterical and was like "You better be back by then!"  On one hand,you only need to commit to a year, which is what I told her. However, for the full "experience" unless it is terrible, I was thinking that two years would probably be ideal, especially if I had to learn the language and such. I wouldn't want to come back just after a year, unless it was the most horrific experience in the world!

So today, Velma is talking about how excited she and her groom-to-be are about the wedding. And if I were to leave, I must get my measurements in before I leave for Japan/Korea. As far as I know, the guy hasn't even proposed. They are supposed to be moving to Florida in FIVE WEEKS and he has not proposed or offered her any kind of security. And I'm supposed to be excited for them, and make sure I arrange my life around for the wedding (which may not even happen).

On one hand, I feel like a jerk for not being excited about my best friend's wedding. I'm not attracted to her, I'm not attracted to her fiance, and there's no reason I should be jealous. Velma & I have been best friends for awhile. She's always said she's wanted me at her wedding and that she wants to name her first child Allison after me. No, she hasn't been the bestest best friend over the years, but oh well, what can you do? She's "made up" for lost time and was very gracious to let me stay at her house for a couple weeks, even though that experience was the nightmare from hell which many of you know.

But anyhow, I am finding it hard to work up any excitement about this. She is so caught up in planning for the wedding itself and planning for the move to Florida that when she actually gets there, I think she is going to be disappointed. She is very attached to the guy she is with now, but I don't think that they have a real connection or that they will last. I feel sorry for saying this, because a lot of guys can be jerks and he has made special effort to make me feel welcome and has tried to make a good impression.

But if it comes time to leave for a year or two... I don't really want to lead her on by getting my measurements done for the bridesmaid dresses (I'd be maid of honor actually). I don't like weddings, and I don't know why, but I hate going to them. It was fine when aunts or my mom's cousins got married, but seeing friends grow up and get married without me. I can't find excitement for them. I don't know what it is. I feel left behind or something.